On Addiction

Dec. 21, 2017
by Rykkei Vistara

The other night I was asked to write a piece about addiction.
Why me? Because I’ve lived with addicts, worked with addicts, and am an addict.
Did you notice your judgement rise as soon as you read that? I didn’t even say WHAT I’m addicted to, and you’re suddenly wary, untrusting, backing away.
And yet, we are ALL addicted to something, whether consciously or not.

When I first came to the Humaniversity, I was shocked to find out that they treat addiction as a symptom, and not a disease, lumping in drug addicts, sex addicts, and food addicts into the same program.  Surely that couldn’t be right… right? But I quickly learned that one’s drug of choice isn’t the core issue of addiction. Addiction is a set of behaviourisms that can be examined, understood, and then changed.

Growing up, my best friend became a crystal meth addict soon after graduating high school.  Later on, my best friend during my 20’s turned out to be both an alcoholic and a drug addict. Then I married a reformed heroin junkie, who began using again shortly after we wed.  My sister calls me a junkie-magnet; always taking in weak souls due to my motherly instincts and some deeply-set need to rescue others from themselves.
Interesting, I thought; I do like to help others. But could I also be doing that as a way to avoid looking at my own life/shit/issues? Is that why I constantly keep myself distracted with things/people outside of myself?
And if so, then the reason for these recurring types of relationships I keep finding myself in is very simply the fact that like attracts like.
I’m an addict, so I attract other addicts into my life.

Allow me to stand tall and declare it proudly: Hi, my name is Vistara, and I am addicted to avoidance-by-distraction. Call it laziness, procrastination, resistance—whatever it is, I’d rather be doomscrolling in bed. Or on the couch. Anywhere, actually.

Being an insomniac, nighttime is my ‘using’ time. My drugs of choice are around me at all times: Books, phone, tablet and laptop, which I bring into bed with me each and every night. My constant companions.

I tell myself that I can’t fall asleep on my own, and so I need something to tire out my eyes until I fall asleep. But the truth is, I don’t sleep because I prefer to be ‘jacked in’ all night.  To keep my mind busy with gaming, reading, Reddit, Instagram, X, YouTube, streaming, binge-watching. Oh, I’m quite smug about how very clever, tech-savvy, and in-the-know I am at all times. At how agile and flexible my mind is. At how ‘sleep is for suckers’. And with so much interaction and stimulation, sleep clearly becomes the unwanted party pooper.

Big deal, right?  So I like to be online. Everyone’s a geek these days.  But this is a Humaniversity post… so let’s dive deeper and look at the behaviour patterns.

I am willingly using an outside influence that lets me run away from my problems, worries, and stresses, which would otherwise keep me up and send me into panic attacks each night.  It’s making me unhealthy, unfocused, and instead of allowing me to be clear and take charge of my issues, I’m too tired in the morning to give a shit and therefore sink into self pity, anxieties, and slide even deeper into the abyss that is my problems.
And yes, each morning I tell myself I won’t do it again the next night, but…  we’ve all heard that line before, haven’t we? 

Sounds like an addict, doesn’t it?

See, the ‘what’ doesn’t matter with addiction. It’s the why, and the how.

I know people who are addicted to pain, self-pity, studying – I know a lovely, middle-aged woman who paints beautiful gardenscapes each time she has any kind of overwhelming emotion. She uses her paintbrushes the same way a junkie uses a crack pipe. She’ll put on her smock, set up her brushes and easel, put on some background music, and ‘disappear’ for a few hours. That’s quite the ritual, prep work, commitment – and all to avoid her feelings, keep herself busy and distracted with something else. She calls it art. I call it running away.

So, what are you addicted to?
What are you running away from?
What’s your drug of choice?

Join us this coming weekend for the Addiction Encounter workshop, and let’s find out together.